The first 2 months since the "D"

Wow!!! Has it been really 6 months since I last blogged?

So I'm divorced now! As of January 5th. There is a 30 day grace period and in 30 days there is a status hearing, I guess just in case somebody changes their mind. I won't be the one. I went back to the status hearing and since "FH" hasn't talked to his lawyer, I have to wait another 30 freakin days for yet another status hearing! WTF!!!!! Are you kidding me? How busy does a person have to be not to talk to their lawyer? I'm a busy person and yet I still talk to my lawyer!!! I know he doesn't want this divorce, but I do. I want it over with! I know it will never really be over with, but at least legally!!!!!

I had to work on Sunday and told him that I needed him to take the kids for the day. He actually said, "let me check". WTF!!! Check with whom? I know he has a girlfriend, I think, that's what the kids said, but she should not be first before the kids! he actually told me that he can pick them up before church (him going to church is a crock of shit by the way) and then I might have to find someone to work for me. I was opening the store, I don't have people work for me. These are his kids and he has to "check" to see if he can come get them? Just because he's mad at me for leaving him, finally and divorcing him and it's not "his weekend" he won't take the kids for an afternoon. He never just takes the kids for an afternoon. I would think that a great dad, even through a divorce, would be grateful for the opportunity to take his kids when he can. I think he does it to make me mad, and he does it very good. It does piss me off!
So then I get a txt later at work and asks me if he gets to see the kids. REALLY? I said no! If he chooses to not take the kids when I need him to be there for them, then he shouldn't get the opportunity. He had the chance. I feel so sorry for the kids. They already feel him pulling away from them. They so wanted to spend the day with him! Then he txt'd their phone and said he wished they were with him. they are not a convenience for him when he has nothing else to do!
I had to work the other night and I was supposed to be off at 6 and I walked out of the store at 6:23 and as I was walking to the car and on the phone with him to figure out how to get the kids, he drove by the store. WTF (again - must be my favorite saying right now) REALLY? Who does he think he is, a babysitter that if I don't show up at exactly 6, I'm doing something else? So it's 6 and time to clock out for him? These are his kids, not a fucking weekend visit. He needs to grow up and be a father.
the kids told me that he told them he was getting a tattoo of their names on his back or some place like that. UMMMMMM, he owes me child support and he owes it to the kids to be their father. Does it mean that you are a parent when you have your kids' names tattoo'd on yourself? By my definition, he is not worthy to be a father. I know that is a really harsh! I try to get along with him and he actually made me laugh the other day, but of course that didn't last. He is always trying to catch me doing something other than what I'm say I'm doing. I don't pawn my kids off onto someone else. I'm working now because he doesn't give a damn to support his kids. he doesn't even feed them when it's time. He doesn't have money, but yet he can afford to drive to kc all the time and get a fucking tattoo? He goes to church and yet he treats me and the kids this way. I gave him nothing but support for 10 fucking years, and kids even when I'm fucking sick. All he ever did was buy shit and sleep our marriage away. That's how I see it.
I have sooooo much anger and resentment towards him. I wonder when it will ever go away! I don't want to stay angry, but every thing he does makes want to claw his eyes out. I can't even look at him without anger! The shit he put me and the kids through for the past 6 months.
He says he misses them and loves them, then fucking show it! Mason & Alli need a father not a weekend visit! They have 2 homes now, he doesn't make it feel like a home. He has no regard to his smoking around them. When they come home, they smell so bad, even the inside of their backpacks smell like smoke. It upsets them sooo much. They cry when he's not there for them. When he says he is coming to pick them up, they are standing at the door waiting for him. They love him unconditionally, but that love isn't returned. My heart aches and breaks for them.
At least my kids will always know that I'm here for them, no matter what. I will always put them and their needs first before my own. It's reasuring that they know this too.
If I ever decide to get married someday, which will be years from now, I hope that he will be the best stepdad to my kids and treat them and love them as his own. My kids deserve to be loved by a dad, whether it's their biological or stepdad.